A couple of months ago, I was just watching tv when I saw it. The trailer. I saw KJ Apa’s face and I was immediately drawn in (I mean who isn’t??), then I heard his name, Jeremy Camp. I grew up with his name. His voice and his faith surrounding me on every car trip with my family, no matter if it was across country or to school. There was so much anticipation leading up to this movie, talking about it at the house with Kylie and planning when to see it (this happened at least once a week), to freaking out with my sister that this movie was even being made, until the day I watched it with my parents. Last Tuesday, I had finally come downstairs at 12 pm and I asked my mom with bright eyes, “Any chance you want to watch I Still Believe with me tonight?” and she was in. If you haven’t heard of this movie, it is about the contemporary Christian music singer and songwriter Jeremy Camp and the beginning of his music career in college and how his faith is rocked beyond belief. While this movie resonated with me more than I thought it would, with its hard questions and realistic vision of the struggle with faith, that is not why I felt led to write this post.
There is a scene near the beginning of the movie where they are having a jam session on the beach. KJ pulls out his guitar and starts singing Find Me In The River. I found myself totally surrendering in that moment, eyes closed and palms open. I have not been able to stop listening to this song since, it has become an anthem.
Find me in the River
Find me on my knees
I’ve walked against the water
Now I’m waiting if you please
We didn’t count on suffering
We didn’t count on pain
But if there are blessings in the valley
Then in the River I will wait
Find me in the Riversee full lyrics below
Find me there
Find me on my knees with my soul laid bare
Even though you’re gone
And I’m cracked and dry
Find me in the River
I’m waiting here
These words talk about yearning to be close to the Lord. Wanting to be so close to Him that you know His pain. It is a cry for God to meet us where we are, no matter how damaged we are. This song is one of complete surrender. During this uncertain time, I have clung to these words. I have definitely had some valleys in my faith journey, more in this year than I want to count.
As some of you may know, my best friend took his life after his long struggle with mental health in February, which definitely could have been a valley. It took a while, but I chose to see losing him as a way to improve my prayer life. Every time I pray, I am not only talking to God, but talking to Alec. He still is the beacon he was for me here, but now he is the hug I get at the end of the tunnel. Another valley has been the concussion I got from the accident I was in over spring break (please feel free to ask me about this, it is a really funny story) which has made Zoom University and keeping up with friends even more difficult. Yet, in all of this pain and the possibility to sink into and stay in that valley, I have found myself in the river, calling to God.
While Jeremy Camp did not write this song, and neither did KJ Apa, his version has been on repeat. It sets the foundation of his faith, of his posture of surrender. In quarantine, it can be hard for us to practice discipline in our faith, to find routine, to find what God’s purpose in all of this is. I have found that this song coupled with Psalm 46:10 (my life verse) have helped me in all of this pain and through these valleys. Hopefully, it can help some of you too.
“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” Psalm 46:10
Find me in the River Find me on my knees I've walked against the water Now I'm waiting if you please We've longed to see the roses But never felt the thorns And bought our pretty crowns But never paid the price Find me in the River Find me there Find me on my knees with my soul laid bare Even though you're gone And I'm cracked and dry Find me in the River I'm waiting here Find me in the River Find me on my knees I've walked against the water Now I'm waiting if you please We didn't count on suffering We didn't count on pain But if there are blessings in the valley Then in the River I will wait Find me in the River Find me there Find me on my knees with my soul laid bare Even though you're gone And I'm cracked and dry Find me in the River I'm waiting here Come find me here Oh wash over me